You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one...

As I am doing my damnedest to live in the here and now, I find myself day dreaming of all different things.

I'm always prided myself on not being too worried about money- yet somehow I worry constantly how to get more, how to afford that luxurious Pottery Barn bedroom set, how to make my home beautiful and flawless, how I can look perfect with highlights, waxed eyebrows, a weekly pedicure, dress my baby in gorgeous perfect clothes, serve on committees and volunteer as money is no object and really all I have to do in this world is move slowly in the direction of making it better.

Now, for the reality of my current situation...as I currently am making more $$ than I ever imagined...I am hating every minute of it because it requires me to work, work, work all the time _ I narrowly escape a soon to be released conversation with my boss on "stepping it up" by (drum roll) resigning so that we can move to NJ and start life again in the 'burbs.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I', bitching about how money always gets in the way.
How I ended up with this career, I can thank my stepfather for. So eager to gain approval from a father figure, who goaded me on, "alison, you'll be a millionaire. You're in the right profession." I was a golden child and I went after opportunity after opportunity. I could do it - I could rise to the top - this was for me and it was instant gratification with promotions and pay increases coming upon each other in less than a year!
sigh
Then, my maternal instinct kicked in and what happened was what I never ever thought would happen to me...I wanted to stay home and raise my child. To make a fantastic meal for a work weary husband at the end of a long day.
To breast-feed until she was one, continuously challenge her with music, gymnastics and mommy and me yoga classes. To have a infinite, beautiful bond (with of course a beautiful home).
But alas, I trudge us off to work each day and put her in the arms of a wonderful Iranian woman who loves her but all the same is not me. I sit at a desk with my coffee, checking my email, avoiding phone calls, doing as little work as possible and when I need to show up - do the best I can and stress the whole time.

But 4 more weeks right? And then I'll go on my merry way. Nah.
I can see the balance on the horizon - contributing to my family, making the perfect home, creating a effortless bond with my child and looking as sexy as possible for my poor husband who I have not yet mentioned.

This isn't news to anyone though, it's the classic debate, the age old conundrum of many women. "cept this time it's all mine. Wish me luck.

Thoughts before sushi...

Yes, my life does revolve around food sometimes - and really that doesn't bother me so much. It's the people who claim they are uninterested, too busy, not that hungry to care what is in front of them...snore...Sustenance is worth craving and certainly discussing.

Enough about food.

Yesterday, I did something I am really not proud of. And today I am still haunted by my insensitivity - and more, how my husband looked at me after I confessed.
After a few glasses of wine with my best friend, I leaked the secret of a shared friend, involving a recent unfortunate event. She did already know said unfortunate event - but my horror and shame after confessing to my husband that I was the one that indeed brought it up... is, well, lingering.

So I have a theory that I make resolutions throughout the year - b/c, honestly once I get to new year's there's no way I can succeed at the 10 things I have piled up.

Do not use the misfortune of others to connect with current company.
Do not use gossip as filler - small talk is better and less harmful.

I'm a new mom, I've gotta start practicing what I preach...especially when you're raising a little girl.

Spicy tuna rolls just walked in. Got it off my chest.
Bring on the wasabi.

Coffee Musings #2

#2 b/c it's the second post of this sort and my second cup of coffee.
Easter Sunday feels a little different this time around.
When I was younger, it meant a new dress, paying my dues at church and hunting eggs or my father's creation the easter basket scavenger hunt complete with cocnut filled bunny (i love coconut).

Today, I've heard chuch bells all morning, watched families dressed up and heading to church and yet I know that my family will never do these things.
I've never really liked Easter and I'm not so sure I'm onboard with what it means in terms of Christianity - I'mean, really, it's sad...Jesus is killed, nailed to a cross no less and then rises from the dead.

Nonetheless, I cried last night to think that my daughter won't have a similar upbringing to mine whether or not I agree with it- well, that's another story.

As I fell asleep last night, I envisioned her asking me one day, about Easter and why she doesn't celebrate. And I picyured myself saying...

When your daddy and I got married, we believed in God, we were taught different things, knew different traditions but we both believed it God. Your daddy had a stronger sense of what he believed and we agreed that he would teach you the Jewish customs and rituals.
But Emma, you will know God in everything you do...
God is in the sky, in the stars, in the friend that sits next to you on the bus, God wants you to be your best and to treat others well. God is in your heart and mine and looks after us. God shows us how to love.
Above all God shows us love.