Broken hearted

I actually can't really say exactly what happened. It's the first time it's too painful to write.

But I will say this. She is as beautiful and as vibrant as ever. She is talking a mile a minute.
She blows kisses, gives hugs, pets the dog, says Mommy and Daddy and Grandma.

She is the light of my life. We live for her. I have never experienced this joy.

She is safe. She is home.

And we are never going back there.

For my husband

For working from the bottom up with grace
for keeping perspective
for letting your guard down (sometimes)
for being strong for us
for saying my body hasn't changed since the baby
for being happy every morning
for being a work in progress
for being loyal
for not making apologies about who you are

for you
I am grateful

9/11/07

I accomplished something from my list - I went to yoga. with my lights on. in memory.

6 years ago. we scrambled to find each other. the phones, blocked. our lives blocked. by terror. and horror. The stories continue to unravel and the hurt continues to hurt.

and while I can talk about it freely. others cannot. the hurt is too deep. it is too close to home. it is home.

In memory...

For those that I found, thank you for coming home.
For those who have gone, we will never forget.

September

Labor Day is over. And we're almost to the middle of September. But it feels like the beginning. The buses are clean, backpacks are packed with new notebooks, books, pens and pencils.

For the older folk, our vacations are over, the summer houses are closed up, the pool is drained, summer casual dress is a memory of two weeks ago and summer Fridays have lost their sizzle.

And i've been thinking about how I am going to get unstuck. Everything seems to be changing but me. Every day seems to bring a new resolution...

I'll try a new book!
I'll go to yoga!
I'll be more positive!
I'll reach out to more people!
I won't bring people down with my troubles!
I'll stop watching/reading celebrity gossip!
I'll trust myself!
I'll believe in myself!

I want to stop wanting and enjoy being. I want to feel like myself again.