Do all mothers go through this? Am I good enough? Do I love them enough? Are they HAPPY? Am I focused enough on her? IS it wrong that I let her explore and not hover?
She has such a strong personality that just seems to continuously explode- how can I stop her? Why would I want to stop her?
I go from a moment of the utmost confidence - dinner, bathtime, bedtime, sleep - I have completed her day to Oh.my.god. I am not that fun and we really need more toys. Confidence in the dregs...we need a playgroup now!
She smiles at me like crazy though and I have never felt so happy in my life. If I could just quit my stupid job...
Stupid money - always gets in the way.
But still, I get to hold her everyday. I have held her everyday since she was born, laughed with her, cried with her, sang with her, screeched with her, crawled with her.
I remember hearing her cry when she was born, my husband rushing to her as I was magnetically held to the gurney with many, many drugs and calling out, B, is she ok?
And she was and she is. And I have never been so in love.
Aug 24, 2006
Aug 20, 2006
for crying out loud ...go to sleep...
Why I have not put myself to bed I do not know...
Living in close proximity to your family involves family commitments of gigantic proportion leaving "my family" time a little lean...
and leaves little time to do errands which we did all day and now I am exhausted and my baby is teething and she cried so hard I cried...
and now I am worrying about the project at work and when I am going to paint her cute little pictures for her room.
BLAH! I just threw up on myself because I am so whiny.
GOOD NIGHT! it must be something like 3 am...
Living in close proximity to your family involves family commitments of gigantic proportion leaving "my family" time a little lean...
and leaves little time to do errands which we did all day and now I am exhausted and my baby is teething and she cried so hard I cried...
and now I am worrying about the project at work and when I am going to paint her cute little pictures for her room.
BLAH! I just threw up on myself because I am so whiny.
GOOD NIGHT! it must be something like 3 am...
Aug 9, 2006
Jul 4, 2006
Cleansing
I looked up at the sky, the sun starting to drop itself into the horizon, I knitted my brows together to squint and let out a sigh.
It occurred to me, I loved the early morning and the early evening. The way the world started to slow down, my own rhythms starting to change with the position of the sun.
It was those hours in between that felt more chaotic, the sun was glaring from it's lofty position above us, people were in full swing in their day, the traffic surged....
It was this morning I walked Maizee and watched neighbors collecting their coffee, grabbing their newspapers, hats pulled over their bed head to hide their sleep crusted eyes.
I walk the streets in half pajamas, half street clothes, my black dog loping along beside me, in front of me, behind me (she's not the best walker, we have nicknamed her drunk driver for her inconsistent pathing). The day is new, I breathe and watch others begin their mornings and think of others who have not yet been able to enjoy the morning from a late night out.
This evening, I stroll back from the gym (yes, I did run and it felt great). The grocery store is filled with last minute shoppers for the 4th, the cashiers wearing their headbands with red, white and blue stars sticking out of them (my favorite one, who calls me "Mommie" finds me a $1.50 coupon for breyers ice cream - did I mention I love her?) The trash has been rolled out to the curb from local eateries, signs announce that they will be closed for the holiday, neighbors sit on stoops with glasses of wine watching the day slow down.
It is a few shorts blocks until I am home, where the groceries will be put away, dinner will be started, the nighttime routine for my baby will begin. But it's these few blocks where I pray for strength, courage, patience - to find the love in my heart every day. From Waltham to Hanson, I pray for all these things. In 2 short blocks, I ask for the world over and climb the stairs to put them in practice.
It occurred to me, I loved the early morning and the early evening. The way the world started to slow down, my own rhythms starting to change with the position of the sun.
It was those hours in between that felt more chaotic, the sun was glaring from it's lofty position above us, people were in full swing in their day, the traffic surged....
It was this morning I walked Maizee and watched neighbors collecting their coffee, grabbing their newspapers, hats pulled over their bed head to hide their sleep crusted eyes.
I walk the streets in half pajamas, half street clothes, my black dog loping along beside me, in front of me, behind me (she's not the best walker, we have nicknamed her drunk driver for her inconsistent pathing). The day is new, I breathe and watch others begin their mornings and think of others who have not yet been able to enjoy the morning from a late night out.
This evening, I stroll back from the gym (yes, I did run and it felt great). The grocery store is filled with last minute shoppers for the 4th, the cashiers wearing their headbands with red, white and blue stars sticking out of them (my favorite one, who calls me "Mommie" finds me a $1.50 coupon for breyers ice cream - did I mention I love her?) The trash has been rolled out to the curb from local eateries, signs announce that they will be closed for the holiday, neighbors sit on stoops with glasses of wine watching the day slow down.
It is a few shorts blocks until I am home, where the groceries will be put away, dinner will be started, the nighttime routine for my baby will begin. But it's these few blocks where I pray for strength, courage, patience - to find the love in my heart every day. From Waltham to Hanson, I pray for all these things. In 2 short blocks, I ask for the world over and climb the stairs to put them in practice.
Jun 25, 2006
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one...
As I am doing my damnedest to live in the here and now, I find myself day dreaming of all different things.
I'm always prided myself on not being too worried about money- yet somehow I worry constantly how to get more, how to afford that luxurious Pottery Barn bedroom set, how to make my home beautiful and flawless, how I can look perfect with highlights, waxed eyebrows, a weekly pedicure, dress my baby in gorgeous perfect clothes, serve on committees and volunteer as money is no object and really all I have to do in this world is move slowly in the direction of making it better.
Now, for the reality of my current situation...as I currently am making more $$ than I ever imagined...I am hating every minute of it because it requires me to work, work, work all the time _ I narrowly escape a soon to be released conversation with my boss on "stepping it up" by (drum roll) resigning so that we can move to NJ and start life again in the 'burbs.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I', bitching about how money always gets in the way.
How I ended up with this career, I can thank my stepfather for. So eager to gain approval from a father figure, who goaded me on, "alison, you'll be a millionaire. You're in the right profession." I was a golden child and I went after opportunity after opportunity. I could do it - I could rise to the top - this was for me and it was instant gratification with promotions and pay increases coming upon each other in less than a year!
sigh
Then, my maternal instinct kicked in and what happened was what I never ever thought would happen to me...I wanted to stay home and raise my child. To make a fantastic meal for a work weary husband at the end of a long day.
To breast-feed until she was one, continuously challenge her with music, gymnastics and mommy and me yoga classes. To have a infinite, beautiful bond (with of course a beautiful home).
But alas, I trudge us off to work each day and put her in the arms of a wonderful Iranian woman who loves her but all the same is not me. I sit at a desk with my coffee, checking my email, avoiding phone calls, doing as little work as possible and when I need to show up - do the best I can and stress the whole time.
But 4 more weeks right? And then I'll go on my merry way. Nah.
I can see the balance on the horizon - contributing to my family, making the perfect home, creating a effortless bond with my child and looking as sexy as possible for my poor husband who I have not yet mentioned.
This isn't news to anyone though, it's the classic debate, the age old conundrum of many women. "cept this time it's all mine. Wish me luck.
As I am doing my damnedest to live in the here and now, I find myself day dreaming of all different things.
I'm always prided myself on not being too worried about money- yet somehow I worry constantly how to get more, how to afford that luxurious Pottery Barn bedroom set, how to make my home beautiful and flawless, how I can look perfect with highlights, waxed eyebrows, a weekly pedicure, dress my baby in gorgeous perfect clothes, serve on committees and volunteer as money is no object and really all I have to do in this world is move slowly in the direction of making it better.
Now, for the reality of my current situation...as I currently am making more $$ than I ever imagined...I am hating every minute of it because it requires me to work, work, work all the time _ I narrowly escape a soon to be released conversation with my boss on "stepping it up" by (drum roll) resigning so that we can move to NJ and start life again in the 'burbs.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I', bitching about how money always gets in the way.
How I ended up with this career, I can thank my stepfather for. So eager to gain approval from a father figure, who goaded me on, "alison, you'll be a millionaire. You're in the right profession." I was a golden child and I went after opportunity after opportunity. I could do it - I could rise to the top - this was for me and it was instant gratification with promotions and pay increases coming upon each other in less than a year!
sigh
Then, my maternal instinct kicked in and what happened was what I never ever thought would happen to me...I wanted to stay home and raise my child. To make a fantastic meal for a work weary husband at the end of a long day.
To breast-feed until she was one, continuously challenge her with music, gymnastics and mommy and me yoga classes. To have a infinite, beautiful bond (with of course a beautiful home).
But alas, I trudge us off to work each day and put her in the arms of a wonderful Iranian woman who loves her but all the same is not me. I sit at a desk with my coffee, checking my email, avoiding phone calls, doing as little work as possible and when I need to show up - do the best I can and stress the whole time.
But 4 more weeks right? And then I'll go on my merry way. Nah.
I can see the balance on the horizon - contributing to my family, making the perfect home, creating a effortless bond with my child and looking as sexy as possible for my poor husband who I have not yet mentioned.
This isn't news to anyone though, it's the classic debate, the age old conundrum of many women. "cept this time it's all mine. Wish me luck.
May 6, 2006
Thoughts before sushi...
Yes, my life does revolve around food sometimes - and really that doesn't bother me so much. It's the people who claim they are uninterested, too busy, not that hungry to care what is in front of them...snore...Sustenance is worth craving and certainly discussing.
Enough about food.
Yesterday, I did something I am really not proud of. And today I am still haunted by my insensitivity - and more, how my husband looked at me after I confessed.
After a few glasses of wine with my best friend, I leaked the secret of a shared friend, involving a recent unfortunate event. She did already know said unfortunate event - but my horror and shame after confessing to my husband that I was the one that indeed brought it up... is, well, lingering.
So I have a theory that I make resolutions throughout the year - b/c, honestly once I get to new year's there's no way I can succeed at the 10 things I have piled up.
Do not use the misfortune of others to connect with current company.
Do not use gossip as filler - small talk is better and less harmful.
I'm a new mom, I've gotta start practicing what I preach...especially when you're raising a little girl.
Spicy tuna rolls just walked in. Got it off my chest.
Bring on the wasabi.
Enough about food.
Yesterday, I did something I am really not proud of. And today I am still haunted by my insensitivity - and more, how my husband looked at me after I confessed.
After a few glasses of wine with my best friend, I leaked the secret of a shared friend, involving a recent unfortunate event. She did already know said unfortunate event - but my horror and shame after confessing to my husband that I was the one that indeed brought it up... is, well, lingering.
So I have a theory that I make resolutions throughout the year - b/c, honestly once I get to new year's there's no way I can succeed at the 10 things I have piled up.
Do not use the misfortune of others to connect with current company.
Do not use gossip as filler - small talk is better and less harmful.
I'm a new mom, I've gotta start practicing what I preach...especially when you're raising a little girl.
Spicy tuna rolls just walked in. Got it off my chest.
Bring on the wasabi.
Apr 16, 2006
Coffee Musings #2
#2 b/c it's the second post of this sort and my second cup of coffee.
Easter Sunday feels a little different this time around.
When I was younger, it meant a new dress, paying my dues at church and hunting eggs or my father's creation the easter basket scavenger hunt complete with cocnut filled bunny (i love coconut).
Today, I've heard chuch bells all morning, watched families dressed up and heading to church and yet I know that my family will never do these things.
I've never really liked Easter and I'm not so sure I'm onboard with what it means in terms of Christianity - I'mean, really, it's sad...Jesus is killed, nailed to a cross no less and then rises from the dead.
Nonetheless, I cried last night to think that my daughter won't have a similar upbringing to mine whether or not I agree with it- well, that's another story.
As I fell asleep last night, I envisioned her asking me one day, about Easter and why she doesn't celebrate. And I picyured myself saying...
When your daddy and I got married, we believed in God, we were taught different things, knew different traditions but we both believed it God. Your daddy had a stronger sense of what he believed and we agreed that he would teach you the Jewish customs and rituals.
But Emma, you will know God in everything you do...
God is in the sky, in the stars, in the friend that sits next to you on the bus, God wants you to be your best and to treat others well. God is in your heart and mine and looks after us. God shows us how to love.
Above all God shows us love.
Easter Sunday feels a little different this time around.
When I was younger, it meant a new dress, paying my dues at church and hunting eggs or my father's creation the easter basket scavenger hunt complete with cocnut filled bunny (i love coconut).
Today, I've heard chuch bells all morning, watched families dressed up and heading to church and yet I know that my family will never do these things.
I've never really liked Easter and I'm not so sure I'm onboard with what it means in terms of Christianity - I'mean, really, it's sad...Jesus is killed, nailed to a cross no less and then rises from the dead.
Nonetheless, I cried last night to think that my daughter won't have a similar upbringing to mine whether or not I agree with it- well, that's another story.
As I fell asleep last night, I envisioned her asking me one day, about Easter and why she doesn't celebrate. And I picyured myself saying...
When your daddy and I got married, we believed in God, we were taught different things, knew different traditions but we both believed it God. Your daddy had a stronger sense of what he believed and we agreed that he would teach you the Jewish customs and rituals.
But Emma, you will know God in everything you do...
God is in the sky, in the stars, in the friend that sits next to you on the bus, God wants you to be your best and to treat others well. God is in your heart and mine and looks after us. God shows us how to love.
Above all God shows us love.
Apr 14, 2006
Coffee Musings #1
Somehow, after my morning coffee the day seems a little brigher, my outlook sunnier...maybe that's why i'm hooked on caffeine...
I'm gonna miss this place...
The dogs barking in the morning, the rattle of cans from the garbage collectors, the faint whine of music from the tai chi crew in the park and later to be replaced by fleets of pick up bball to play late into the night, the car alarms going off sporadically, the yelling and giggling of late night friends in the back street
and the sounds that occur inside...baby crying out for attention, giggling, yawning, the clucking of the dog protecting her family, clanking dishes, running shower, air kisses, sighs of pleasure and frustration, the hum of the tv, the tinkle of lullabies, the blast of the alarm clock
and so we weave our way into a family.
I just wish it felt this sunny all day, so peaceful, so perfect, so uninterrupted.
I'm gonna miss this place...
The dogs barking in the morning, the rattle of cans from the garbage collectors, the faint whine of music from the tai chi crew in the park and later to be replaced by fleets of pick up bball to play late into the night, the car alarms going off sporadically, the yelling and giggling of late night friends in the back street
and the sounds that occur inside...baby crying out for attention, giggling, yawning, the clucking of the dog protecting her family, clanking dishes, running shower, air kisses, sighs of pleasure and frustration, the hum of the tv, the tinkle of lullabies, the blast of the alarm clock
and so we weave our way into a family.
I just wish it felt this sunny all day, so peaceful, so perfect, so uninterrupted.
Who am I kidding?
Welcome...
Life has certainly changed drastically for us in the last year and as the days go on I find myself more and more in need of therapy.. so I'm choosing to find it here...in my words on a page...whatever they may be.
The flavor of the day...learning to stay home with a sick baby and pretend you're still working...
6:15am: fight to open my eyes and say good morning to my beautiful baby and gorgeous husbnd perched on the edge of the bed waiting for me to get up
6:30am drag self to couch with boppy pillow to feed baby - oh yes we're still breastfeeding (more to come on that later)
7:15 pray that husband will still and hold baby and talk to me for 10 minutes before he leaves and I am left to juggle alone, eat toast
8:30 feed baby again, watch CNN, horrified by Moussaoui trial, baby falls asleep in arms (bliss)
10am call crazy client to "transition" account to new agency, baby fussy, call collegue to arrange conference call
10:45 lose track of time, remember call while sitting in rocking chair, baby cranky
11:10 sit on call with nothing to say, give baby disclaimer as the call starts
12:00 talk to mom, complain about life, feel like crap, hang up and make soup
12:30 sing to baby, try to cajole,wonder if I can send at least one email
2:15 (can't remember what happened in between) Lay down with baby for nap, snuggles in under arm (bliss)
4:30 jump out of bed, baby continues to sleep like an angel, run around apt cleaning up for 6p showing
5:15 feed baby, feed dog (not at the same time)
5:45 strap on baby bjorn, dog on leash, meet husband for walk while broker shows apt
6:45 play with baby on bed, open presents from grandparents and great grandparents
7:30 try to feed baby unsuccessfully, prepare her for bed, IM with long distance friend, sit beside husband on couch with dueling laptops
8:30 think about if I should have toast or go to bed
First post, long day, who knows if I'm undertaking too much today - just need to get it out there, expelling my demons so to speak...
Maybe I can start to have a little fun with this madness...
Life has certainly changed drastically for us in the last year and as the days go on I find myself more and more in need of therapy.. so I'm choosing to find it here...in my words on a page...whatever they may be.
The flavor of the day...learning to stay home with a sick baby and pretend you're still working...
6:15am: fight to open my eyes and say good morning to my beautiful baby and gorgeous husbnd perched on the edge of the bed waiting for me to get up
6:30am drag self to couch with boppy pillow to feed baby - oh yes we're still breastfeeding (more to come on that later)
7:15 pray that husband will still and hold baby and talk to me for 10 minutes before he leaves and I am left to juggle alone, eat toast
8:30 feed baby again, watch CNN, horrified by Moussaoui trial, baby falls asleep in arms (bliss)
10am call crazy client to "transition" account to new agency, baby fussy, call collegue to arrange conference call
10:45 lose track of time, remember call while sitting in rocking chair, baby cranky
11:10 sit on call with nothing to say, give baby disclaimer as the call starts
12:00 talk to mom, complain about life, feel like crap, hang up and make soup
12:30 sing to baby, try to cajole,wonder if I can send at least one email
2:15 (can't remember what happened in between) Lay down with baby for nap, snuggles in under arm (bliss)
4:30 jump out of bed, baby continues to sleep like an angel, run around apt cleaning up for 6p showing
5:15 feed baby, feed dog (not at the same time)
5:45 strap on baby bjorn, dog on leash, meet husband for walk while broker shows apt
6:45 play with baby on bed, open presents from grandparents and great grandparents
7:30 try to feed baby unsuccessfully, prepare her for bed, IM with long distance friend, sit beside husband on couch with dueling laptops
8:30 think about if I should have toast or go to bed
First post, long day, who knows if I'm undertaking too much today - just need to get it out there, expelling my demons so to speak...
Maybe I can start to have a little fun with this madness...
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